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by JPMINITUCSON » Thu Jan 24, 2008 10:30 pm
Subject: New rules for 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the upscale version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain; Lobster?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a "venti" jerk.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two bags.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the upscale version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain; Lobster?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a "venti" jerk.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two bags.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Jon
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
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JPMINITUCSON - DMC Member
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by JPMINITUCSON » Thu Jan 24, 2008 10:34 pm
I thought everyone would like to know about Wal-Marts new wine offering that will bring quality wine to the masses -- I plan to try them all!
-------------------------------
WalMart announced that, sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ---- WalMart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2.00 - $5.00 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of WalMart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken professor of marketing at University of Arizona, Tucson. "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of WalMart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P. S. Don't bother writing that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.
-------------------------------
WalMart announced that, sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ---- WalMart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2.00 - $5.00 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of WalMart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken professor of marketing at University of Arizona, Tucson. "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of WalMart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P. S. Don't bother writing that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.
Jon
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
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JPMINITUCSON - DMC Member
- Posts: 942
- Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:56 pm
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by JPMINITUCSON » Thu Jan 24, 2008 10:44 pm
An Irishman, a Mexican and a guy from Tempe were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The guy from Tempe opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The guy from Tempe opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeped and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the wife of the guy from Tempe. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The guy from Tempe opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The guy from Tempe opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeped and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the wife of the guy from Tempe. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Jon
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
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JPMINITUCSON - DMC Member
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by JPMINITUCSON » Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:39 am
R50 wrote:New Rule: Never, NEVER make fun of anything or any person in Tempe.
Just checking to see if you are out there, Dan!
Jon
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
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'81 Aussie Moke Californian
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JPMINITUCSON - DMC Member
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by It Works » Fri Jan 25, 2008 5:41 am
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
'06 MCS JCW, Aero, Bilstein PSS9's SB/S
'06 MCS JCW GP
'06 MCS JCW GP
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It Works - Posts: 1350
- Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2006 11:37 pm
- Location: AZ
by UKSUV » Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:50 pm
It Works wrote:Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
I can totally agree to the first one....
And as far as the second one...you know that the black box in airplanes?...Well, it is actually bright orange....
- UKSUV
by JPMINITUCSON » Mon Feb 04, 2008 3:55 pm
Two guys from Tempe are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!
Jon
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
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JPMINITUCSON - DMC Member
- Posts: 942
- Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:56 pm
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by JPMINITUCSON » Tue Feb 05, 2008 4:46 am
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ... "Go get your mother."
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ... "Go get your mother."
Jon
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
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JPMINITUCSON - DMC Member
- Posts: 942
- Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:56 pm
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by JPMINITUCSON » Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:53 pm
An 80 year old couple from Tempe were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Jon
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
'81 Aussie Moke Californian
'61 Morris Mini-Minor
'71 Cooper 'S' MKIII
'76 Mini 1000
'13 MINI Cooper
-
JPMINITUCSON - DMC Member
- Posts: 942
- Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:56 pm
- Location: Catalina AZ
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