Bored.

[Louie B.]

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,



"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[Louie B.]

The cowboy

A woman went into a bar in Tuscon and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
A table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
Feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
Ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'

[Louie B.]

This will give you 2 1/2 minutes of quality entertainment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5eUy45YTDY

[Louie B.]

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never have asked a Mississippi grandma a question



if they weren't prepared for her answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,


a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her


and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me? She responded,



'Why, yes, I do know you,


Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been

a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate


people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when


you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything


more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was

a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't

build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the

worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very

quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send

you both to the electric chair.'

[JPMINITUCSON]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airport just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied:

"You mean, you're not my instructor?"

[Louie B.]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by
mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to
the waiter:

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him
says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only
fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should
know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 185 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."

[Louie B.]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow andwouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's PotatoUniversity ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokawbecause he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMON TATER

[JPMINITUCSON]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

"Hello?

[Louie B.]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



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You got Male..

[Louie B.]

The following 15 Police comments were taken off of actual cop car videos
around the country.

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."

14. "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet."

11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster."

5. "In God we trust, all others we run through the computer."

4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

3. "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And...

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't... Sign here.

[Louie B.]

Two blondes walk into a building...
... You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Louie B.]

Bumper Stickers

1 "IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4 Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7 So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8 Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9 If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11 Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12 Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13 He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14 I Refuse To Have A

Battle

Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16 I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17 Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
18 If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19 Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20 Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21 If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22 Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23 Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24 Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25 Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
26 Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
27 Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
28 How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
29 GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
30 All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND Finally








31 "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED
TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR
THE SAME REASON"

[Louie B.]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[It Works]

Noah today: http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

[It Works]

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

Ready??

Begin.

1. When do you feel your best?

A) in the morning
B ) during the afternoon and early evening
C) late at night


2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
B) fairly fast, with little steps
C) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
D) less fast, head down
E) very slowly


3. When talking to people you...

A) stand with your arms folded
B ) have your hands clasped
C) have one or both your hands on your hips
D) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair


4. When relaxing, you sit with...

A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

B ) your legs crossed
C) your legs stretched out or straight
D) one leg curled under you


5. When something really amuses you, you react with....

A) big appreciated laugh
B ) a laugh, but not a loud one
C) a quiet chuckle
D) a sheepish smile



6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B ) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed


7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and

you're interrupted..

A) welcome the break
B ) feel extremely irritated
C) vary between these two extremes


8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

A) Red or orange
B ) black
C) yellow or light blue
D) green
E) dark blue or purple
F) white
G) brown or gray


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few

moments before going to sleep, you are...

A) stretched out on your back
B ) stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) with your head on one arm
E) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are...

A) falling
B) fighting or struggling
C) searching for something or somebody
D) flying or floating
E) you usually have dreamless sleep
F) your dreams are always pleasant



POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c ) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

(I'm a 40 - what are you?)

OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS : Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you

radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS : Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS : Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature..

UNDER 21 PO INTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.